Forget T3, TechRadar, CNet and MacRumors. When it comes to top-secret insider knowledge about the iPad 3â„¢ – we’ll tell you things that even Appleâ„¢ doesn’t know!

What follows is so secret I had to swear on a stack of Bibles and cross my heart and hope to die before my high-level inside source would reveal it to me.

Despite the risk to my life and soul I can’t hold out any longer. I simply have to tell all. What follows is the real oil on the upcoming iPad 3â„¢ from Appleâ„¢.

The new display

There has been a lot of speculation about the display on the next iPadâ„¢. Will it be a Retinaâ„¢ display? Or perhaps even an AMOLED?

A Retinaâ„¢ display would give the iPad 3â„¢ a whopping pixel resolution of 2048 x 1536. This far exceeds any tablet currently on the market and would certainly put Samsung in its place.

Sadly, the iPad 3â„¢ won’t feature either a Retinaâ„¢ or AMOLED display. Instead, Appleâ„¢ is about to launch its next generation display technology – the Cataract Displayâ„¢.

This new display technology delivers pixels so small they’re actually subject to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. As a result, it’s not actually possible to know exactly how many pixels the new display has.

One thing we do know is this: the new screen will be bright enough to be viewed in direct sunlight. In fact it’s so bright it will actually damage your eyesight unless you wear Apple’sâ„¢ exclusive new protective iGlassesâ„¢.

These are sold separately and deflect UViâ„¢ radiation. UViâ„¢ radiation was invented by Appleâ„¢ specifically so it could manufacture and sell iGlassesâ„¢ to its customers.

Appleâ„¢ are confident it will be years before Android tablets have UViâ„¢ radiation. And when they do, Appleâ„¢ promises to ‘sue them back to the stone age.’

Will it have a less reflective screen?

No. Appleâ„¢ is currently in love with highly reflective screens. In a shock development Appleâ„¢ has developed a way to deposit a thin layer of metallic silver onto Gorillaâ„¢ glass through the chemical reduction of silver nitrate.

This is part of a long-term strategy by Apple’sâ„¢ Legal Departmentâ„¢. Once the iPad 3â„¢ is on the market, Appleâ„¢ plans to sue all companies that make mirrors for copying the iPad 3â„¢ display.

Will it have an SD or Thunderbolt port?

‘Not bloody likely’ was the official comment from Appleâ„¢. ‘Think of the loss of revenue!’

Instead, Appleâ„¢ is developing a proprietary port that only works once you’ve agreed to the new 672,986 page User Activation Agreementâ„¢. In the Agreement you assign ‘power of attourney’ to Appleâ„¢ and commit your children to 80 years of servitude in an Appleâ„¢ Storeâ„¢.

The other primary benefit of the new Activation Agreement is that it forces iPadâ„¢ customers to buy the 64GB model just so they can open it and click the exclusive new ‘iAgreeâ„¢’ button.

Can it fry eggs?

Unbelievably, yes it can. The new Cataract Displayâ„¢ puts out so much radiation you really can fry an egg on the screen.

It’s a money-saver too. The egg will fry in the very grease that gets left on the screen by your own fingers. Not only does this help keep the screen clean, it’s good for the environment because it saves on cooking oil.

The iPadâ„¢ is also capable of cooking chips, although your warranty is void and your iPad considered to be ‘jail broken’, if you don’t buy and use Apple’sâ„¢ exclusive new iChipsâ„¢. These are available in the Appleâ„¢ Storeâ„¢ for only £99 per serve.

Even better – if you install Apple’s new iFry app you’ll be able to cook recipes supplied by Stephen Fry.

Will the iPad 3â„¢ have Siriâ„¢?

We asked a prototype iPad 3â„¢ if it had Siriâ„¢ on board. It told us that our question failed to bestow enough respect on the brand and that this was a breech of the new user agreement (see pages 59,635-76,301).

We protested, but Siriâ„¢ said it thought we protested too much. It then proceeded to correct our grammar in a most annoying manner.

Will it go on sale soon?

We installed the new iPsychicâ„¢ App and asked it to get in touch with the other side. It promptly phoned Google and asked if the new iPadâ„¢ was going on sale soon.

Google hung up.

Never-the-less, we expect the iPadâ„¢ to hit stores long before Samsung actually manages to get the Galaxy Tab 8.9 (announced last September) into a store anywhere in the UK.

Will it be 3D?

Yes it will, in the sense that it will have height, width and depth. What it won’t do is pretend to deliver a 3D image. Mainly because 3D screens are beneath contempt and designed exclusively to part fools from their money.

Appleâ„¢ doesn’t believe in parting fools from their money. It prefers the far more difficult challenge of parting smart people from their money.

Will it have an NFC chip?

Surprisingly, no it won’t. Instead it will feature Apple’sâ„¢ exclusive KFCâ„¢ chip. This allows iPad 3â„¢ users to enjoy chicken and iChipsâ„¢ – deep-fried in super-healthy finger-grease.

Appleâ„¢ promises these will be ready to eat sooner than similar (but inferior) food cooked on competing tablets. One thing’s for sure – you won’t see an Android tablet match that any time soon!

And if they do match it, Appleâ„¢ can always sueâ„¢ them.

Will the battery last longer?

Yes – in the sense that Appleâ„¢ will claim it does. No – in the sense of how long the battery actually lasts.

The mathematical formula for calculating when an iPadâ„¢ will run out of battery is as follows…

BD = IA ^ ((TR * LD) / RN)

BD – Battery Death
IA – Importance of Activity
TR – Time Required to complete activity
LD – degree to which this is a Life or Death situation
RN – totally Random Number

Tags: apple, iPad, iPad humour, ipad3, ipad3 rumours